Sunday, December 16, 2007

Drive by Awkward

The phrase "Hey, how's it going?" and permutation there of have got to go from walking vernacular. When two people are passing each other on the street there's just not enough time for the long winded highly impersonal exchange of greetings...

-Hey, How's it going?

-Just fine, and you?

-I'm alright.

By the time I get to 'Just fine' the other person is behind me. If I just leave it there I feel like I've been self-centered by not asking after his/her welfare in return. If I try to squeeze in the 'and you?' it's too late, there's not enough time, even if they heard me I'm always out of earshot for the response. Am I the only person that see this exchange as socially non-optimal?

If we both just said, 'Good afternoon', that would get as much pleasantry out of the way without leaving me stranded in the wake of self-conscious stupor.

Be warned: The next person I pass who pulls this on me is getting strongly rebuffed. Let me give you a little visual.

Bob walks past David

Bob: "Hey man, how's it going?"

David: *Calling over his shoulder* "Fuck you Bob. Fuck you."


Or, I guess we could all walk slower.

Friday, December 14, 2007

I Kid You Not, Look It Up


I think today's comics turned out looking pretty nice, I just wish it wasn't such a nitch joke. Let me try and explain briefly.

There's a whole group of knitting books, Yarn Harlet/Dominknitrix/Stitch and Bitch, that tap into the rebelious nature of knitters. I've never made such a grandiose error as Dart, but I bet there's someone out there who was a little disappointed that Mrs. Pearl-McPhee didn't come though on the Harlet part of her handle. However she's way more famous then I am, so obviously she knows what she's doing.

I wonder if rule 34 of the internet applies to my comic?

Check back next time for the continued adventures of John's love life.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The Cake is a Lie


Recreating Paul and John at a higher resolution was unfairly troublesome, but now the healing can begin.

Check back next time for either a colored Dart comic, or the first appearance of Sofie.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Love is in the Square



Alright, I have no idea what's wrong with the image in the last post. I've reposted the last strip, so it can be just clicked on to enlarge instead of having to download it.

Also, new strip.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Bleeped




Sorry I missed posting last week. Although I promise no definitive posting schedule, I endeavor to give you all at least one comic a week.

Originally I only had the first three panels for the comic and I was trying to figure out a good word that would be considered highly offensive in Mathland. However, paradox eventually lost out to the sound used to bleep bad words. Which is really much worse then any curse word I know. The particular definition of inflammatory words usually takes a back seat to the punctuating effect of the language, which the bleep sound conveys exceptionally well. It also allows the listener to pick the curse word they feel is most appropriate for the sentence. What goes in blank is logically bound by the worse thing the listeners filthy mind already has rolling around in there. Makes me wish George Carlin wrote mad lib books.

Friday, November 16, 2007

In Which Sarah's Hair it Suddenly 8 Inches Longer


DDR stands for Dance Dance Revolution. I've had a couple people not know that, so I'm adding the information here.

Jim - "What's DDR?"
Me - "Dance Dance Revolution"
Jim - "Oh.... [pause] oh, that's a much worse image than I was thinking of."



I'm still working on the final form for the characters. I got the heads about where I want them, but I'm still tinkering with the body proportions. Which is why Dart seems to be expanding across the panels. I blame any future inconsistence on this as well.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

In Lieu of a Joke

So, this is a joke about my own failure. I thought it would really funny to have Paul dressed as a pirate, so I drew that. And, then I couldn't construct a joke around it. I hang my head in shame.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

No Dude Bee'd Goes Unpunished




I'm not entirely happy with the expressions on Paul's face. I tried quite a few different things, but none was exactly right.

Monday, November 5, 2007

The Barter System




So, I'm trying out a new font. I'm open to opinions. Somehow I must have installed it wrong, because it doesn't have lower case letters. Luckily, I don't really use those. I have a couple others I might try as well.

Alright, that's my last self referencing comic for a long time. (But, no promises.)

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Trust Me, He Deserves It




It occurred to me when I finished this comic that from what we've seen of Allen so far he might not have deserved the bees. Calling them 'Simples' earlier, though a strongly condescending term in Mathland, might not seem to warrant a 'Seinfeld Surprise'. For the moment, I entreat you all to trust that it's a just action and enjoy the comic from that stand point. You can change your opinion later if Allen doesn't prove to be the asshole I envision him as.

P.S. - How the hell do you indent in a blog post?

Friday, November 2, 2007

Paul's Transcendental Crisis




Here's another installment from Mathworld. I apologize if any of the words in today's comic make your head hurt. They make John's head hurt too. Technically the only math here not covered in high school is the Fermat point, but it's not the high school math that was ever useful anywhere else.

Next, Allen (the Awesome-gon) shows his face again.

P.S. - I haven't given up on my hand drawn characters, they just take a little longer. I should have one up next week.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Korrect

If you'll all direct your eyes down to comic 4, I believe I've fixed the word bubble problem.

Thanks to Pat, of Myopia fame, for being the straw that broke my stubornes on the issue.

-DM

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Friday, October 26, 2007

Mathland




I call it Mathland instead of Flatland, because in the world Abbot wrote about Alan would have been killed at birth as an abomination against God. A subtle, but pivotal difference.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

In Which Names Are Given




There's still more to be done in outlining the premise, but this sums up the characters so far. Not so much in their job descriptions, but in their reactions.

We aren't out of the woods yet on self reference, but there will now be a short break from it.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

The Environment

There's this class of activists that can't manage to fit their platform on a flyer, so they need you to stop and speak with them... and they make me really uncomfortable. Their lead in sentence is always a little misleading. It'll go something like:

"Do you have a minute for the environment?"

Which sounds like there's a physical manefestaion of the environment in a limo around the corner and it'd like to set up a meeting. And, I'd be cool with that. Some living embodyment of the planet wants to speak with me, I'll clear a little bit of time in my busy scedual. I just imagine it...

"Good afternoon, David."

"Good afternoon. How are you today, Mr. Environment?"

"Oh, not bad. I'm feeling a little under the weather." *Chuckles*

"I'm sorry."

"I say, that was a joke boy. Get it... under the 'weather'. Cause that's where the environment is located mostly."

*Puase*

"I don't get it."

"You know what. Get the hell out of my limo."

But, of course, when I go over to the guy he actually meant do I have a minute for him and his hippy oranization. And I think, "Alright, that's the last time I'm falling for this."

Friday, October 19, 2007

I Have No Doubt

There's this comercial. I don't remember what it's for, but it has Gwen Stefani lying in bed and she says,

"Sometimes it's so hard to find what it is I'm trying to say."

Which didn't sit well with me. I thought, wait a minute. Isn't she the one who's hit song goes, "I ain't no hollaback girl." What does that mean? Obviously Gwen is privy to some bit of american slang that has not trickled its way to my corner of the world. No small feat, I hear quite a bit of fringe slang. Like fadunked, which is a bit too vulgar for me to give you the definition here.

I looked up the lyrics to see if I could piece together a meaning from context clues. The most repeated line in the song is, "This my shit." And, after I got over the fact that there's no verb there, I decided I agreed with Gwen. Her song is shit. Apparently, finding what she's trying to say is so hard she gave up and started writing down what ever incoherent jargon fell from her addled brain.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Standing Around



I think we've about leveled off on improvements in the quality of the comic. Although I may start creating backgrounds when the setting matters more.

Next time... Everyone who's appeared so far gets a name.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Dart's Dodge



My apologies for the math reference. I had planned to go easy on any math humor, but the Department Chair suggested I could write one for the applied math newsletter. So, hopefully this one will actually see print.

Also, take note of the new portrait. I think my first attempt at coloring went pretty well, but it took forever so I opted against doing the whole comic in color.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Morning Routine

This morning I woke up, got out of bed, brushed my teeth, etc
After putting on socks and shoes I stood up and thought to myself.

"Well, damn. I'm not wearing any pants."

This really threw me off my game the rest of the day. People just couldn't get past the fact I wasn't wearing pants.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Where's Dart



It appears that this is not an ideal location to be posting things that are long and short. Maybe I'll make another version that's two rows.

Dart is supposed to be short for d'Artagnan, the lead character in Dumas' "The Three Musketeers". Which, I don't really have any deep fascination with, and can't even spell.

Big Ass

Bill Paxton's in a show about a guy with three wives. His character, 'Bill', has three wives whom, since this is HBO, he periodically has marital relations with. Here's some math, that's one 'Bill' and six boobs; I have see a disproportionately large amount of Bill Paxton's ass. Bill's ass has made seven or so appearances, and I've seen half a boob. Not that Bill's ass doesn't do a fine acting job, but fair is fair let's throw the male viewer ship something.

Bill's ass is practically the star of the show. I think it's in the credit's under a pseudonym. In the season finale Bill's ass gets the spotlight while Bill is in the shower bouncing around and yelling at his second wife. That's right, Bill's ass has a monologue.

How is Bill Paxton the only one who didn't have a clause against nudity in his contract? He's the biggest star on the show. Did Bill just really want to show off his ass. Was his agent like, "Bill will do the show, but only if you give his ass an appearance in half the shows, a monologue and its own credit under the name Jerry Dawsy."

As you can tell, I've thought about this more then I should have.

The other night I was watching something that had nothing to do with Bill Paxton or his Hollywood ass, and it's own sex scene came on. Much to my chagrin, the first thing I thought of was Bill Paxton's ass. And, then I just couldn't get it out of my head. I'm like a little kid now, I hide my head when the sex scenes come on, so I don't get the image stuck in my head again.

Thanks Bill, thanks a lot.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Arrogant and Lazy #1




Here's the first strip for 'Arrogant and Lazy'. I'll need to retool my method for creating the comics. This one ended a little fuzzy since I was taking copies of copies of copies. I also need to make the words larger.

Edit - Fixed it a little.

Friday, September 21, 2007

The Most Arrogant and Lazy of Them All

Warning: Not Really A Joke

This site is now the first thing comes up when you search for 'Arrogant and Lazy' in google. I had been envious of a friend's blog, The Evil Line, that already pulled this off. I'm a much happier camper today.

Yours Truly,
DM

What I Meant to Say Was

I don't drink coffee, which is a bit awkward around the other mathematicians. It's like being the only sober guy at a frat party. There's even a famous saying about this, "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." If that's true, I'm like a hybrid that runs on orange juice and vodka.

Sometimes, I walk around with a little coffee mug filled with soda. This is passable but, fails under close inspection.

"Gee Dave, why is your coffee bubbling like that?"

*Sip*

"It's just really fucking hot."

Co-Jones

co-jones

Pronounced [koh - j┼Źnz]

Definition: Testicles


Used this word in the last post, thought I'd better let you all know what it was.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

It's a Banana

I'm a mathematician by trade. As you can imagine, I'm not the most socially limber person to begin with. But, let me tell you, the rest of you aren't making it any easier on me. Every time I tell someone what I do... Every time... I get one of the following three responses:


1 - "Oh, I always hated math."

That's pretty much then end of the that conversation. In this person's mind the synapses have shot off 'Math is bad' , 'This guy does math' thus 'This guy is bad'. Now, I don't want you to think I'm picking on people that don't like math. Quite the contrary. If everyone wanted to talk about math, I might just go shoot myself in the head. But, why tell me that. Do hear someone is from Nebraska and say, "Oh, I drove through there, what an empty wasteland of despair."


2 - "I took math up through _blank_ , is that what you do?"

*Blink* *Blink* Yes, Bob. I specialize in memorizing big ass times tables. And again, whatever math you've done in your life is wonderful. I just don't give shit. Much like you don't give a shit that I got a C- in high school chemistry. Even if you're a chemist. Maybe if I'm mixing explosive chemicals in your basement, you care. But, by the time I've started experimenting with nitroglycerin in your basement, it doesn't matter. Your pretty well fucked.

3- "So am I. We should stay together for protection."

This really isn't a math thing per-say, as much as human thing. We, as humans, like to form clicks. We'll clump together based solely on the fact that we use the same toothpaste.


Just once I'd like to tell someone I'm a mathematician and get a response like,

-"That cool."

or

-"Like that guy who sees imaginary people."

or even

-"Man, God really kicked you in the co-jones on that one."

Any of those would be spectacular.





P.S. - Man, none of that was what I sat down to write.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Jungian Nintendo

Now, I have no formal training in the art of psychology, but I have a theory I want those of you that do to check out. I think the first 30 seconds of the old Super Mario Brothers game has been embedded in the male collective unconscious. That every penis comes with it, the memories of a little side scrolling adventure.

I base this theory mainly on a friend who we'll call "Case Study One". Now "Case Study One" has never seen a Nintendo, let only played the original Mario Brothers game. But, he can tell you:

Walk four seconds. Jump on the first Goomba. Get the super mushroom out of the second question mark box. Hop past the three pipes (perhaps killing the Goombas on your way). And, grab the hidden one-up mushroom that's just before the pit at the base of the little digital hill in the background.

[Pause for Breath]

Every man under 50 out there, can close their eyes and imagine all that like they were the little 2 dimensional tri-chromatic plummer themselves. Music playing in the background like an old dream.

And, every woman is like "What the F#ck's a Goomba?"

Friday, September 14, 2007

Enjoy the rest ofYour Dinner

I just vomited back stage. But, I haven't eaten anything yet today, so there wasn't much to it. Just air.


[pause]


You know what, maybe it was a burp.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Another One(liner)

People that get annoyed by other people's quirks annoy me.

No Wear

I want to start a nudist colony called "No Wear"... and glue myself to a bench at the center of the place. Wait for people to call and ask, "Hey, where are you?" To which I'll reply, "Stuck in the middle of No Wear, surronded by a bunch of assholes."

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Rock and Drole

I used to be in a rock band. We were sort of a cross between West View and Sedating the Masses. Both bands you may not of heard of, cause they really sucked... much like the band I was in.

I'm against bands throwing around those comparisons so freely. "Yeah man, we're like a cross between Nirvana and The Beatles." I don't think so. If that were true you'd be playing House of Blues instead of Jay's bar mitzvah. More realistically you're a cross between a guy who's so high he thinks he's reached Nirvana, and the smell dung beetles make. And, that's being generous.

So anyway. I was always fine with the band sucking. I was always ready for those comments. "You sucked." "You're dumb-@$$ listened to the whole show." I wasn't however good at taking praise. After one show a guy came up to me and said, "That was pretty awesome." When it finally dawned on me he wasn't talking to someone else I replies. "Who the !^*& were you listening to?"

The lead singer slash song writer didn't think that was an appropriate response to his comment. Needless to say, I was not a member of that band much longer.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Old Strips



Here we have the entire run of the comic strip "Office Hours".

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Books on Demand

I'm against paying for things you can acquire else where for free, like water or blow jobs or books. I get all my books from the Library. Which leads to getting books where people have written comments in the margin.

This is the literary equivalent of talking through a movie. Whenever this happens I get a pen and respond "Quit writing in the margins, some of us are trying to enjoy the book". That usually shuts them up.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

First Post

A little learning is a dangerous thing;
Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring;
There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
And, I have forgotten the rest again.

-Pope Alexander