Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Arrogant and Lazy #1

Here's the first strip for 'Arrogant and Lazy'. I'll need to retool my method for creating the comics. This one ended a little fuzzy since I was taking copies of copies of copies. I also need to make the words larger.

Edit - Fixed it a little.

Friday, September 21, 2007

The Most Arrogant and Lazy of Them All

Warning: Not Really A Joke

This site is now the first thing comes up when you search for 'Arrogant and Lazy' in google. I had been envious of a friend's blog, The Evil Line, that already pulled this off. I'm a much happier camper today.

Yours Truly,

What I Meant to Say Was

I don't drink coffee, which is a bit awkward around the other mathematicians. It's like being the only sober guy at a frat party. There's even a famous saying about this, "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." If that's true, I'm like a hybrid that runs on orange juice and vodka.

Sometimes, I walk around with a little coffee mug filled with soda. This is passable but, fails under close inspection.

"Gee Dave, why is your coffee bubbling like that?"


"It's just really fucking hot."



Pronounced [koh - j┼Źnz]

Definition: Testicles

Used this word in the last post, thought I'd better let you all know what it was.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

It's a Banana

I'm a mathematician by trade. As you can imagine, I'm not the most socially limber person to begin with. But, let me tell you, the rest of you aren't making it any easier on me. Every time I tell someone what I do... Every time... I get one of the following three responses:

1 - "Oh, I always hated math."

That's pretty much then end of the that conversation. In this person's mind the synapses have shot off 'Math is bad' , 'This guy does math' thus 'This guy is bad'. Now, I don't want you to think I'm picking on people that don't like math. Quite the contrary. If everyone wanted to talk about math, I might just go shoot myself in the head. But, why tell me that. Do hear someone is from Nebraska and say, "Oh, I drove through there, what an empty wasteland of despair."

2 - "I took math up through _blank_ , is that what you do?"

*Blink* *Blink* Yes, Bob. I specialize in memorizing big ass times tables. And again, whatever math you've done in your life is wonderful. I just don't give shit. Much like you don't give a shit that I got a C- in high school chemistry. Even if you're a chemist. Maybe if I'm mixing explosive chemicals in your basement, you care. But, by the time I've started experimenting with nitroglycerin in your basement, it doesn't matter. Your pretty well fucked.

3- "So am I. We should stay together for protection."

This really isn't a math thing per-say, as much as human thing. We, as humans, like to form clicks. We'll clump together based solely on the fact that we use the same toothpaste.

Just once I'd like to tell someone I'm a mathematician and get a response like,

-"That cool."


-"Like that guy who sees imaginary people."

or even

-"Man, God really kicked you in the co-jones on that one."

Any of those would be spectacular.

P.S. - Man, none of that was what I sat down to write.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Jungian Nintendo

Now, I have no formal training in the art of psychology, but I have a theory I want those of you that do to check out. I think the first 30 seconds of the old Super Mario Brothers game has been embedded in the male collective unconscious. That every penis comes with it, the memories of a little side scrolling adventure.

I base this theory mainly on a friend who we'll call "Case Study One". Now "Case Study One" has never seen a Nintendo, let only played the original Mario Brothers game. But, he can tell you:

Walk four seconds. Jump on the first Goomba. Get the super mushroom out of the second question mark box. Hop past the three pipes (perhaps killing the Goombas on your way). And, grab the hidden one-up mushroom that's just before the pit at the base of the little digital hill in the background.

[Pause for Breath]

Every man under 50 out there, can close their eyes and imagine all that like they were the little 2 dimensional tri-chromatic plummer themselves. Music playing in the background like an old dream.

And, every woman is like "What the F#ck's a Goomba?"

Friday, September 14, 2007

Enjoy the rest ofYour Dinner

I just vomited back stage. But, I haven't eaten anything yet today, so there wasn't much to it. Just air.


You know what, maybe it was a burp.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Another One(liner)

People that get annoyed by other people's quirks annoy me.

No Wear

I want to start a nudist colony called "No Wear"... and glue myself to a bench at the center of the place. Wait for people to call and ask, "Hey, where are you?" To which I'll reply, "Stuck in the middle of No Wear, surronded by a bunch of assholes."

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Rock and Drole

I used to be in a rock band. We were sort of a cross between West View and Sedating the Masses. Both bands you may not of heard of, cause they really sucked... much like the band I was in.

I'm against bands throwing around those comparisons so freely. "Yeah man, we're like a cross between Nirvana and The Beatles." I don't think so. If that were true you'd be playing House of Blues instead of Jay's bar mitzvah. More realistically you're a cross between a guy who's so high he thinks he's reached Nirvana, and the smell dung beetles make. And, that's being generous.

So anyway. I was always fine with the band sucking. I was always ready for those comments. "You sucked." "You're dumb-@$$ listened to the whole show." I wasn't however good at taking praise. After one show a guy came up to me and said, "That was pretty awesome." When it finally dawned on me he wasn't talking to someone else I replies. "Who the !^*& were you listening to?"

The lead singer slash song writer didn't think that was an appropriate response to his comment. Needless to say, I was not a member of that band much longer.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Old Strips

Here we have the entire run of the comic strip "Office Hours".

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Books on Demand

I'm against paying for things you can acquire else where for free, like water or blow jobs or books. I get all my books from the Library. Which leads to getting books where people have written comments in the margin.

This is the literary equivalent of talking through a movie. Whenever this happens I get a pen and respond "Quit writing in the margins, some of us are trying to enjoy the book". That usually shuts them up.