Arrogant and Lazy

2011-06-27T01:47:00.000-07:00

2011-06-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

2011-06-03T01:10:00.000-07:00

2011-05-21T20:00:00.001-07:00

Chester's Loophole: Part 5

2011-05-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

Click Me

Scenic Campus

2011-05-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

In case you don't see it at http://creativebender.wordpress.com/ here's another installment of Hollow Oak University.

Sneak Peak of HOU

2011-04-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

Sneak Previews continue. Remember to check out the official posting at http://creativebender.wordpress.com/each week for further commentary by writer Adam Beerman.

SNEAK PEAK

2011-04-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Remember to go see the commentary friday at Creative Bender. But, if you just can't wait, here's another Hollow Oak University. I'll be making an effort to make more of these, and you make an effort to increase Adam's blog traffic above 100 hits in a day. At which point he has promised to make me a real web site.

Now they are in color

2011-04-13T02:02:00.000-07:00

If you haven't bee keeping up. Go over here http://en.wordpress.com/tag/hollow-oak-university/ to see what you've been missing.

Better Than Last Week

2010-07-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

http://creativebender.wordpress.com/category/comic/

Comic 5

2010-07-05T17:58:00.000-07:00

If you haven't caught on yet. The real action is happening here.

Comic 4

2010-07-04T14:26:00.000-07:00

Just follow the link.

Moving On Up

2010-06-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

Go here to Hollow Oak University's temporary home to get the full post and alt text.

Where the birds and the bees become the birdbees

2010-06-14T12:20:00.001-07:00

Where to begin? Obviously not at the beginning, since the first blogpost for this comic is attached to the second strip, not the first. So let me start slightly after the beginning: Sean presented me with three comic strip ideas, with HOU (That’s what the cool kids call Hollow Oak University) being one of them. What were the other two? Not going to tell, because they might still see the light of day at some point in the future. Gotta save some ideas for the major motion picture, you know?

They say write what you know, and while Sean and I aren’t quite the mad scientists Berkeley (introduced in this strip) and Chester (introduced in the first strip) are, we do know the trials and tribulations of doing research in a University setting. Berkeley and Chester aren’t grad students, per se, they are more like staff, those who work on research, but aren’t professors, but aren’t there to take classes. Hence, they have a lot of free time to create and destroy.

What does the future hold for these characters? Who knows? I hope to have a year’s worth of work, which is going to be hard, because I have a tendency to abandon long-term creative pursuits after a few weeks (see my Lost blogs, both “Lost for a 100 Days,” my solo blog, and “Lost: Science vs. Faith,” which, lo and behold, was a colaborative effort with Sean. Both have not been updated in ages). But I am really excited about HOU and how could I not be? Look at the artwork, that is all Sean. I write the lame punchlines and he makes them at least look pretty.

So, please enjoy Hollow Oak University. On the update side, for now, I plan to upload one new comic every week, on Mondays. As we build up our warehouse of comics, updates will come more frequently. Also note that if you are having trouble reading the comic, you can click on it to enlarge it. If you are still having trouble, let me know and I will see if I can format the size on WordPress by hand.

See you next week!

-Beermany,

We've Got Chemistry

2010-06-05T18:13:00.001-07:00

Man of Science, Man of Faith

2010-02-26T21:13:00.000-08:00

New blog about "Lost".

Man of Science, Man of Faith

Already Dead

2010-02-12T19:03:00.000-08:00

New week new song.

Already Dead

VERSES (D E7 G A7)X2 (D F# Bm Bm/A E) (D E7 G D)

Where are we going

And, how will I know

If I told you I love you

Would there still be a show

Could live with me then

Can you live with me now

Cause when you're trying to kill me

Baby, I just don't know

We went out breakfast

You poisoned my pancakes

The arsenic didn't kill me

Just enough to give me a headache

Does it mean you love me?

Or that you can't convert grams into ounces

If you wanted to kill me, baby

I'd already be dead

You got some candle stick holders

Which, you used to beat me about

But, I was wearing a heavy coat

And, baby, you never workout

You only fractured my ribs

But, my heart broke with every blow

If you wanted to kill me, baby

I'd already be dead

You hired a hit man

But, didn't pay for a pro

You put an add up on Craigslist

And, hired any old schmo

What'd think it would come to?

It was 12 year old girl with a pen knife

If you wanted to kill me, baby

I'd already be dead

CHORUS (A A7 D D7 )X2 (G F#/C# Adim7 Bm)X2 (D E7 G D)

I can tell you that you love me

When you forget I keep blanks in the gun

Putting drugs in the Coffee

When you know damn well I drink none

Your sending mixed signals, I need to find out why

Your plans end in shambles, it's like you don't even try

Cause when you're trying to kill me

Baby, I just don't know

BRIDGE C G AmX2

I'd give up on the blow torch

your only singeing your hair

You're just lashing out here

I know deep down you care

This shed is three quaters metal

It's not that likely to burn

Why don't go back inside

And, think about what we've learned

The Beer-Man: Part 2

2010-01-31T20:52:00.000-08:00

This is what it should sound like. "The Beer-Man"

And, here's the second half of the lyrics. Same chords as the first half.

Doctor Synapse

Is his foe

He's master of the under handed deed

Doctor Synapse

Doles out woe

Based on his standard issue anti-moral creed

He can move

Things with his mind

Like the giant rubber band ball; his M.O.

When you're criminally insane that's how role

He can bend

People's thoughts

But, don't blame him for your parking ticket fine

He doesn't care about petty little crime

Well his cool demeanor will crack

When the Beer-man's on his track

Cause, that hero doesn't slack

In the darkness, in the moonlight, he does fight

All those standing on the wrong side of what's right

The Beer-Man

2010-01-29T01:10:00.000-08:00

New week new song. I might try making a dinky recording of it this weekend.

________Bm

He's the Beer-Man

________E

Keeps us safe

_____G____________F#____________ Bm

In the darkness, in the moonlight, he does fight

_______Bm

He's the Beer-Man

_______E

Fear his wrath

_______G__________ F#_ _____________Bm

If you're standing on the wrong side of what's right

_______A

He can make

_______Bm

You feel drunk

_______G____ ______F#______Bm

It sounds stupid, but it's useful in a brawl

________G_________________F#_______Bm

It's hard to fight back when you're trying not to fall

______A

He can take

_________Bm

A thousand punches

________G____________F#_Bm

And come begging you for 57 more...

______G_____F#__________Bm

Maybe 20 after that he's feeling sore

_______D_______A_____Bm

Well, he knows the name's unfair

___________D_______A_________Bm

And, when he wears the tights people stare

______D________A____Bm

But, the Beer-man doesn't care

_____G____________F#____________ Bm

In the darkness, in the moonlight, he does fight

________G__________ F#_ _____________Bm

All those standing on the wrong side of what's right

Baby, You're Perfect

2010-01-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

I wrote a blues song. It's 16-bar blues in G, each line is two bars. The last word should come on the down beat usually. When this is not the case I've made the word that should land on the down beat in bold. I don't know why I seem to naturally write lyrics as lead ins, but there you go.

VERSE I

Baby, you're perfect

You got that perfect voice

When you tell me you love me

When you're telling me lies that I believe

When you leading me on

When you're treating me wrong

Baby, you're perfect

---

Baby, your perfect

You got that perfect smile

When you're twirl your hair at me

And you know that I've lost the fight already

When you're getting your way

When you lead me a astray

Baby, you're perfect

CHORUS

Well you're perfect when you wake up, baby

I can't function when I know that your gone,

You always know just how to play me

That's why I've written this message in song

Let me tell you again, so know that it's true

Let it really sink in, cause whatever you do

Baby, you're perfect

VERSE II

Baby, you're perfect

You got those perfect legs

When you wrap 'em around me

When you're walking away from me again

When you're kicking me down

When you run me around

Baby, you're perfect

---

Baby, you're perfect

You got that perfect smell

When you're pressed up against me

When you're only a lingering scent on my pillow

When you've broken my heart

When you know you've been caught

Baby, you're perfect

CHORUS

VERSE III

Baby, you're perfect

You got those perfect eyes

When you look in my soul

That twinkle in your eye is so deceitful

When you're pulling heart strings

When you're leaving me weeping

Baby, your perfect

---

Baby, you're perfect

You got those perfect lips

When you're kissing me gently

When you're kissing others hard and heavy

When you think I don't know

When you get up and go

Baby, you're perfect

CHORUS

2009-10-27T02:22:00.000-07:00

Flower from Ashes

2009-08-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

I now have a profile on the band site

Flowers from Ashes

Hopefully I can convince them to fix the typo's (my fault) that are in there atm.

Bass Stylings

2009-08-03T20:13:00.001-07:00

For anyone still tuned into the Arrogant and Lazy-verse. Here's one of my other creative endeavors.

Flowers from Ashes

I am the bass player in this band now.

Arrogant and Lazy #22

2009-04-30T02:11:00.001-07:00

New comic. See you all again in august.

2009-04-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

Arrogant and Lazy is now failing to post in a timely manor on twitter as well. Screen name: ArrogantandLazy. Now you can just check twitter to find out there's no new comic.

More of Everyone

2008-06-27T01:24:00.000-07:00

The Jester: Prt1

2008-06-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

This one is a villain, as the devious smirk is hopefully an indication of. The Jester was the first super hero name I ever came up with back in middle (or really late elementary) school after getting a book on how to draw super heroes. It was mostly inspired by a hat I had gotten at a renaissance fair. The original Jester wore tights instead of a suite and looked more realistic (I think he may have been very close in muscles and face to the Mr Fantastic I was emulating), but had the same 3 prong hat and mask.

The Jester

2008-06-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

Dr. Infinite

2008-06-19T22:05:00.001-07:00

PerL

2008-06-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

Fox-Man

2008-06-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

Preface

2008-06-18T22:05:00.000-07:00

Alright, this is the week to be checking my blog. I gave some thought to the underlining cause of the lack of comics here. My computer breaking takes care of the last month or so, but I'm not sure it made a difference. My initial idea had been to create a few characters, flesh out their personalities, and the let the rest sort itself out as I went. This failed. Sort of. The hand drawn guys were just standing around with no purpose. John and Paul (the square and triangle) I really like, but I was limiting myself to 2 shape comics for every hand drawn (though not very stringently).

So, I'm ditching Dart and his cohorts as a failed attempt (John and Paul get to stay). I considered what subject matter I have enough of a knowledge bank on to use as a setting, and what sort of stories I'd be interested in telling. And so, I've created a team of super heroes to write about (sorry guys, not the Tenacious 3) and I'll be unveiling the character designs over the next few days. Then maybe, just maybe, I'll get back to making comics.

Figures crossed.

Unrated

2008-06-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

All Unrated means is that they've made a change since the movie got it MPAA approval. We're all just assuming that this means that this version of the movie is raunchier then the R rated version.

I'd like to make a series of Unrated films that are all re-edited to be G rated. My version of Scream will replace the killer everywhere with a cartoon dear who's there to take the victims to gumdrop mountain.

Black on Pink

2008-05-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

The other day I noticed the girl who was wearing a sort of lacy see through black top and then an obnoxiously pink bra.

What does that mean? I'm goth but it's laundry day?

Warning: Explicit Content

2008-05-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

My brother told me he was thinking of getting a dick tattoo.

I said, "Ok, but don't you think the novelty of having a picture of a penis on your back going to wear out pretty quick."

He didn't think it was that funny, told me (and I could not make this up) that he wanted something that would be surprising before a girl "blew" him.

I suggested the tattoo should say, "If you can read this you already have herpes."

Fairyly Unimpressed

2008-05-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

The next time I see a falling star I'm going to wish for some magic fairies.

The last time I just wished for regular fairies and those little guys are useless. They just sit on my coach eating Cheeto's.

I try to be supportive, but it's hard. "Look Fizzlepuff, I am no stranger to the trials and tribulations of being a non-magical creature, but would you please stop peeing in the shower."

Little Lame Posts Are Better Then No Post (Right?)

2008-04-17T01:01:00.001-07:00

A guy was complaining that his brain didn't function at 7:30 in the morning. I told him

"My brain works best between the hours of 7 and 9 am.

Sadly I never wake up till 10"

Best Leave That Issue Alone

2008-02-26T22:16:00.001-08:00

Holy Crap, new post.

And the Assist

2008-01-28T23:50:00.001-08:00

I think this is the end of John's bad luck in love for the moment. Also, I'm trying a slightly smaller image to try and alleviate any side scrolling; hopefully this hasn't compromised readability.

Strike Two

2008-01-16T00:38:00.001-08:00

I was this close to having the book be "Flatland - A Romance Beyond This Dimension".

On a technical matter, does anyone find they need to scroll left and right to see the whole comic? I noticed it's a little wider then most other webcomics, and I was wondering whether I'd gone too big for general internet viewing.

Strike One

2008-01-11T19:21:00.001-08:00

I have a hard time deciding on whether things on for guys or girls sometimes. And, although it's pretty well received if a girl wears guy clothes, when I make the mistake society is much less forgiving. I have to check my pants whenever I need to remember which side the buttons are supposed to be on.

Not Dead Yet

2008-01-09T20:36:00.000-08:00

I've been on vacation. I meant to spend part of this time working on the comic. This is all I accomplished.
This is Sophie.

Check back later for an actual comic with the first appearance of Sophie, and a more regular update schedule.

Drive by Awkward

2007-12-16T02:19:00.000-08:00

The phrase "Hey, how's it going?" and permutation there of have got to go from walking vernacular. When two people are passing each other on the street there's just not enough time for the long winded highly impersonal exchange of greetings...

-Hey, How's it going?

-Just fine, and you?

-I'm alright.

By the time I get to 'Just fine' the other person is behind me. If I just leave it there I feel like I've been self-centered by not asking after his/her welfare in return. If I try to squeeze in the 'and you?' it's too late, there's not enough time, even if they heard me I'm always out of earshot for the response. Am I the only person that see this exchange as socially non-optimal?

If we both just said, 'Good afternoon', that would get as much pleasantry out of the way without leaving me stranded in the wake of self-conscious stupor.

Be warned: The next person I pass who pulls this on me is getting strongly rebuffed. Let me give you a little visual.

Bob walks past David

Bob: "Hey man, how's it going?"

David: *Calling over his shoulder* "Fuck you Bob. Fuck you."

Or, I guess we could all walk slower.

I Kid You Not, Look It Up

2007-12-14T11:41:00.000-08:00

I think today's comics turned out looking pretty nice, I just wish it wasn't such a nitch joke. Let me try and explain briefly.

There's a whole group of knitting books, Yarn Harlet/Dominknitrix/Stitch and Bitch, that tap into the rebelious nature of knitters. I've never made such a grandiose error as Dart, but I bet there's someone out there who was a little disappointed that Mrs. Pearl-McPhee didn't come though on the Harlet part of her handle. However she's way more famous then I am, so obviously she knows what she's doing.

I wonder if rule 34 of the internet applies to my comic?

Check back next time for the continued adventures of John's love life.

The Cake is a Lie

2007-12-09T17:06:00.000-08:00

Recreating Paul and John at a higher resolution was unfairly troublesome, but now the healing can begin.

Check back next time for either a colored Dart comic, or the first appearance of Sofie.

Love is in the Square

2007-12-03T23:30:00.000-08:00

Alright, I have no idea what's wrong with the image in the last post. I've reposted the last strip, so it can be just clicked on to enlarge instead of having to download it.

Also, new strip.

Bleeped

2007-11-29T11:11:00.000-08:00

Sorry I missed posting last week. Although I promise no definitive posting schedule, I endeavor to give you all at least one comic a week.

Originally I only had the first three panels for the comic and I was trying to figure out a good word that would be considered highly offensive in Mathland. However, paradox eventually lost out to the sound used to bleep bad words. Which is really much worse then any curse word I know. The particular definition of inflammatory words usually takes a back seat to the punctuating effect of the language, which the bleep sound conveys exceptionally well. It also allows the listener to pick the curse word they feel is most appropriate for the sentence. What goes in blank is logically bound by the worse thing the listeners filthy mind already has rolling around in there. Makes me wish George Carlin wrote mad lib books.

In Which Sarah's Hair it Suddenly 8 Inches Longer

2007-11-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

DDR stands for Dance Dance Revolution. I've had a couple people not know that, so I'm adding the information here.

Jim - "What's DDR?"
Me - "Dance Dance Revolution"
Jim - "Oh.... [pause] oh, that's a much worse image than I was thinking of."

I'm still working on the final form for the characters. I got the heads about where I want them, but I'm still tinkering with the body proportions. Which is why Dart seems to be expanding across the panels. I blame any future inconsistence on this as well.

In Lieu of a Joke

2007-11-14T00:27:00.001-08:00

So, this is a joke about my own failure. I thought it would really funny to have Paul dressed as a pirate, so I drew that. And, then I couldn't construct a joke around it. I hang my head in shame.

No Dude Bee'd Goes Unpunished

2007-11-08T00:15:00.001-08:00

I'm not entirely happy with the expressions on Paul's face. I tried quite a few different things, but none was exactly right.

The Barter System

2007-11-05T21:16:00.001-08:00

So, I'm trying out a new font. I'm open to opinions. Somehow I must have installed it wrong, because it doesn't have lower case letters. Luckily, I don't really use those. I have a couple others I might try as well.

Alright, that's my last self referencing comic for a long time. (But, no promises.)

Trust Me, He Deserves It

2007-11-03T02:01:00.001-07:00

It occurred to me when I finished this comic that from what we've seen of Allen so far he might not have deserved the bees. Calling them 'Simples' earlier, though a strongly condescending term in Mathland, might not seem to warrant a 'Seinfeld Surprise'. For the moment, I entreat you all to trust that it's a just action and enjoy the comic from that stand point. You can change your opinion later if Allen doesn't prove to be the asshole I envision him as.

P.S. - How the hell do you indent in a blog post?

Paul's Transcendental Crisis

2007-11-02T18:15:00.001-07:00

Here's another installment from Mathworld. I apologize if any of the words in today's comic make your head hurt. They make John's head hurt too. Technically the only math here not covered in high school is the Fermat point, but it's not the high school math that was ever useful anywhere else.

Next, Allen (the Awesome-gon) shows his face again.

P.S. - I haven't given up on my hand drawn characters, they just take a little longer. I should have one up next week.

Korrect

2007-10-29T17:27:00.001-07:00

If you'll all direct your eyes down to comic 4, I believe I've fixed the word bubble problem.

Thanks to Pat, of Myopia fame, for being the straw that broke my stubornes on the issue.

-DM

More From Mathland

2007-10-27T00:34:00.000-07:00

Mathland

2007-10-26T00:50:00.001-07:00

I call it Mathland instead of Flatland, because in the world Abbot wrote about Alan would have been killed at birth as an abomination against God. A subtle, but pivotal difference.

In Which Names Are Given

2007-10-23T23:09:00.001-07:00

There's still more to be done in outlining the premise, but this sums up the characters so far. Not so much in their job descriptions, but in their reactions.

We aren't out of the woods yet on self reference, but there will now be a short break from it.

The Environment

2007-10-20T23:25:00.000-07:00

There's this class of activists that can't manage to fit their platform on a flyer, so they need you to stop and speak with them... and they make me really uncomfortable. Their lead in sentence is always a little misleading. It'll go something like:

"Do you have a minute for the environment?"

Which sounds like there's a physical manefestaion of the environment in a limo around the corner and it'd like to set up a meeting. And, I'd be cool with that. Some living embodyment of the planet wants to speak with me, I'll clear a little bit of time in my busy scedual. I just imagine it...

"Good afternoon, David."

"Good afternoon. How are you today, Mr. Environment?"

"Oh, not bad. I'm feeling a little under the weather." *Chuckles*

"I'm sorry."

"I say, that was a joke boy. Get it... under the 'weather'. Cause that's where the environment is located mostly."

*Puase*

"I don't get it."

"You know what. Get the hell out of my limo."

But, of course, when I go over to the guy he actually meant do I have a minute for him and his hippy oranization. And I think, "Alright, that's the last time I'm falling for this."

I Have No Doubt

2007-10-19T01:00:00.000-07:00

There's this comercial. I don't remember what it's for, but it has Gwen Stefani lying in bed and she says,

"Sometimes it's so hard to find what it is I'm trying to say."

Which didn't sit well with me. I thought, wait a minute. Isn't she the one who's hit song goes, "I ain't no hollaback girl." What does that mean? Obviously Gwen is privy to some bit of american slang that has not trickled its way to my corner of the world. No small feat, I hear quite a bit of fringe slang. Like fadunked, which is a bit too vulgar for me to give you the definition here.

I looked up the lyrics to see if I could piece together a meaning from context clues. The most repeated line in the song is, "This my shit." And, after I got over the fact that there's no verb there, I decided I agreed with Gwen. Her song is shit. Apparently, finding what she's trying to say is so hard she gave up and started writing down what ever incoherent jargon fell from her addled brain.

Standing Around

2007-10-16T00:36:00.001-07:00

I think we've about leveled off on improvements in the quality of the comic. Although I may start creating backgrounds when the setting matters more.

Next time... Everyone who's appeared so far gets a name.

Dart's Dodge

2007-10-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

My apologies for the math reference. I had planned to go easy on any math humor, but the Department Chair suggested I could write one for the applied math newsletter. So, hopefully this one will actually see print.

Also, take note of the new portrait. I think my first attempt at coloring went pretty well, but it took forever so I opted against doing the whole comic in color.

Morning Routine

2007-10-09T14:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up, got out of bed, brushed my teeth, etc
After putting on socks and shoes I stood up and thought to myself.

"Well, damn. I'm not wearing any pants."

This really threw me off my game the rest of the day. People just couldn't get past the fact I wasn't wearing pants.

Where's Dart

2007-10-03T22:19:00.001-07:00

It appears that this is not an ideal location to be posting things that are long and short. Maybe I'll make another version that's two rows.

Dart is supposed to be short for d'Artagnan, the lead character in Dumas' "The Three Musketeers". Which, I don't really have any deep fascination with, and can't even spell.

Big Ass

2007-10-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

Bill Paxton's in a show about a guy with three wives. His character, 'Bill', has three wives whom, since this is HBO, he periodically has marital relations with. Here's some math, that's one 'Bill' and six boobs; I have see a disproportionately large amount of Bill Paxton's ass. Bill's ass has made seven or so appearances, and I've seen half a boob. Not that Bill's ass doesn't do a fine acting job, but fair is fair let's throw the male viewer ship something.

Bill's ass is practically the star of the show. I think it's in the credit's under a pseudonym. In the season finale Bill's ass gets the spotlight while Bill is in the shower bouncing around and yelling at his second wife. That's right, Bill's ass has a monologue.

How is Bill Paxton the only one who didn't have a clause against nudity in his contract? He's the biggest star on the show. Did Bill just really want to show off his ass. Was his agent like, "Bill will do the show, but only if you give his ass an appearance in half the shows, a monologue and its own credit under the name Jerry Dawsy."

As you can tell, I've thought about this more then I should have.

The other night I was watching something that had nothing to do with Bill Paxton or his Hollywood ass, and it's own sex scene came on. Much to my chagrin, the first thing I thought of was Bill Paxton's ass. And, then I just couldn't get it out of my head. I'm like a little kid now, I hide my head when the sex scenes come on, so I don't get the image stuck in my head again.

Thanks Bill, thanks a lot.

Arrogant and Lazy #1

2007-09-25T16:51:00.001-07:00

Here's the first strip for 'Arrogant and Lazy'. I'll need to retool my method for creating the comics. This one ended a little fuzzy since I was taking copies of copies of copies. I also need to make the words larger.

Edit - Fixed it a little.

The Most Arrogant and Lazy of Them All

2007-09-21T16:42:00.000-07:00

Warning: Not Really A Joke

This site is now the first thing comes up when you search for 'Arrogant and Lazy' in google. I had been envious of a friend's blog, The Evil Line, that already pulled this off. I'm a much happier camper today.

Yours Truly,
DM

What I Meant to Say Was

2007-09-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

I don't drink coffee, which is a bit awkward around the other mathematicians. It's like being the only sober guy at a frat party. There's even a famous saying about this, "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." If that's true, I'm like a hybrid that runs on orange juice and vodka.

Sometimes, I walk around with a little coffee mug filled with soda. This is passable but, fails under close inspection.

"Gee Dave, why is your coffee bubbling like that?"

*Sip*

"It's just really fucking hot."

Co-Jones

2007-09-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

co-jones

Pronounced [koh - jōnz]

Definition: Testicles

Used this word in the last post, thought I'd better let you all know what it was.

It's a Banana

2007-09-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

I'm a mathematician by trade. As you can imagine, I'm not the most socially limber person to begin with. But, let me tell you, the rest of you aren't making it any easier on me. Every time I tell someone what I do... Every time... I get one of the following three responses:

1 - "Oh, I always hated math."

That's pretty much then end of the that conversation. In this person's mind the synapses have shot off 'Math is bad' , 'This guy does math' thus 'This guy is bad'. Now, I don't want you to think I'm picking on people that don't like math. Quite the contrary. If everyone wanted to talk about math, I might just go shoot myself in the head. But, why tell me that. Do hear someone is from Nebraska and say, "Oh, I drove through there, what an empty wasteland of despair."

2 - "I took math up through _blank_ , is that what you do?"

*Blink* *Blink* Yes, Bob. I specialize in memorizing big ass times tables. And again, whatever math you've done in your life is wonderful. I just don't give shit. Much like you don't give a shit that I got a C- in high school chemistry. Even if you're a chemist. Maybe if I'm mixing explosive chemicals in your basement, you care. But, by the time I've started experimenting with nitroglycerin in your basement, it doesn't matter. Your pretty well fucked.

3- "So am I. We should stay together for protection."

This really isn't a math thing per-say, as much as human thing. We, as humans, like to form clicks. We'll clump together based solely on the fact that we use the same toothpaste.

Just once I'd like to tell someone I'm a mathematician and get a response like,

-"That cool."

or

-"Like that guy who sees imaginary people."

or even

-"Man, God really kicked you in the co-jones on that one."

Any of those would be spectacular.

P.S. - Man, none of that was what I sat down to write.

Jungian Nintendo

2007-09-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Now, I have no formal training in the art of psychology, but I have a theory I want those of you that do to check out. I think the first 30 seconds of the old Super Mario Brothers game has been embedded in the male collective unconscious. That every penis comes with it, the memories of a little side scrolling adventure.

I base this theory mainly on a friend who we'll call "Case Study One". Now "Case Study One" has never seen a Nintendo, let only played the original Mario Brothers game. But, he can tell you:

Walk four seconds. Jump on the first Goomba. Get the super mushroom out of the second question mark box. Hop past the three pipes (perhaps killing the Goombas on your way). And, grab the hidden one-up mushroom that's just before the pit at the base of the little digital hill in the background.

[Pause for Breath]

Every man under 50 out there, can close their eyes and imagine all that like they were the little 2 dimensional tri-chromatic plummer themselves. Music playing in the background like an old dream.

And, every woman is like "What the F#ck's a Goomba?"

Enjoy the rest ofYour Dinner

2007-09-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

I just vomited back stage. But, I haven't eaten anything yet today, so there wasn't much to it. Just air.

[pause]

You know what, maybe it was a burp.

Another One(liner)

2007-09-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

People that get annoyed by other people's quirks annoy me.

No Wear

2007-09-13T13:24:00.000-07:00

I want to start a nudist colony called "No Wear"... and glue myself to a bench at the center of the place. Wait for people to call and ask, "Hey, where are you?" To which I'll reply, "Stuck in the middle of No Wear, surronded by a bunch of assholes."

Rock and Drole

2007-09-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

I used to be in a rock band. We were sort of a cross between West View and Sedating the Masses. Both bands you may not of heard of, cause they really sucked... much like the band I was in.

I'm against bands throwing around those comparisons so freely. "Yeah man, we're like a cross between Nirvana and The Beatles." I don't think so. If that were true you'd be playing House of Blues instead of Jay's bar mitzvah. More realistically you're a cross between a guy who's so high he thinks he's reached Nirvana, and the smell dung beetles make. And, that's being generous.

So anyway. I was always fine with the band sucking. I was always ready for those comments. "You sucked." "You're dumb-@$$ listened to the whole show." I wasn't however good at taking praise. After one show a guy came up to me and said, "That was pretty awesome." When it finally dawned on me he wasn't talking to someone else I replies. "Who the !^*& were you listening to?"

The lead singer slash song writer didn't think that was an appropriate response to his comment. Needless to say, I was not a member of that band much longer.

Old Strips

2007-09-06T14:58:00.001-07:00

Here we have the entire run of the comic strip "Office Hours".

Books on Demand

2007-09-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'm against paying for things you can acquire else where for free, like water or blow jobs or books. I get all my books from the Library. Which leads to getting books where people have written comments in the margin.

This is the literary equivalent of talking through a movie. Whenever this happens I get a pen and respond "Quit writing in the margins, some of us are trying to enjoy the book". That usually shuts them up.

First Post

2007-08-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

A little learning is a dangerous thing;
Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring;
There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
And, I have forgotten the rest again.

-Pope Alexander